Letting Go!

I read the following in a book I love today, the message I got was an answer to a prayer, thought I would share it:

To let go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off; it is the realization that I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another; I can only change myself.

To let go is not to care for; but to care about.

To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes, but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

To let go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny, but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone, but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.

( from the book Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy by Merrilee Boyack)

Girl Drama!!

Oh yes we have it.  Lots of it.  Most of it comes from me, but the kids put in their fair share.  Ainslee is at the height of her I am 4, and the youngest, so give me what I want or I will cry stage.  The other day she cried for 45 minutes cause she didn't want to clean her room.  When she finally stopped it took her 5 minutes to clean.  So the drama.

Kasadee is in the middle of her first knock down drag out get everyone involved junior high friend fight.  Oh my you couldn't pay me to go back to those years.  It was hard enough going through it myself.  It's awful to watch your daughter go through it.  Will someone please Kill the drama!!

School is out in two days.  I can't wait to not have to find clothes and do hair everyday.  I can't wait til the wear your flip flops, no mating socks anymore, days.  The girls are growing up.  I am getting old.  And the older we get around here the more drama we have.

How is that for a nice rambling really no point post?

Ups and downs

So mother's day was wonderful.  There was only one moment when I was sitting in church and and one of the girls started to cry because she didn't like who she was sitting by that I thought "can't they just be decent for me on mother's day"  but I made myself stop.  Just said nope you are not having a pity party this year, nock it off.  It worked.  I really had a great day.  It's amazing how changing your attitude about something can make a difference.  I gave the kids little gifts with their letters.  They loved them.  My sisters kids asked why they didn't get presents for mother's day.  Sorry Jill.

Anyway my good friend and neighbor is moving in two weeks after a recent divorce.  I am sad to see her go.  Sometimes I wonder why I am so blessed and life is such a struggle for others.  Don't get me wrong I have had my struggles, but nothing compared to what some people have to go through.  I am just so thankful for all that I have, and all that I am.

So today we did not go to the gym.  First day (other than the day no one showed up to unlock the doors, and Sundays)  In a month.  Patrick wasn't feeling well, and honestly I really needed the sleep.  I finally went and bought a battery for the scale today.  I am down 6 lbs.  Yes I wanted it to be more, but 6 lbs is 6 lbs.  Not bad for a month.

Letters to my daughters.

I wrote these letters to give each of my girls for mother's day.  Part of my celebrating being their mom instead of guilt and anger (see post about mother's day).  Anyway I thought I would post them.

Kas,

Wow my oldest daughter, no longer a little girl but a beautiful young women.  I am always so hard on you.  I am sorry for that.  There are so many things that I love about you.  You work so hard, at everything you do.  I love that I can always count on you.  I love that you know who you are and that you can just be comfortable being you.  I love that you don’t try to be someone your not.  You are such a sweet and loving big sister to all of your little sisters.  Always remember how much your heavenly father loves you.  Always remember how much I love you, you were my first little girl.  Loving you taught me how to be a mom.  And with every new experience we have you are still teaching me how to be a better mom.  Thanks for being the oldest and breaking me in for the rest of your sisters.

T,

I could go on and on about what a true joy it is to be your mom.  I see so much of myself in you.  I love how responsible and mature you are.  I love that I can always ask you to help pick out an outfit,  (even if it’s for me).  I love how hard you work., and how hard you work to make everyone happy.  I love your cute little freckles, and your curly hair.  If I could tell you one thing in this world it would be that you don’t have to be perfect.  You need to not be so hard on yourself.  It really is ok to make a mistake, everyone does.  Just believe in who you are and what a wonderful daughter you are.  I am so proud of you and all that you do.  I love you like crazy daisy.

Boo,

You are a sweetheart.  I love how deeply you care about people.  I love that you are so concerned about those around you that sometimes you cry just because they are hurting.  That shows how sweet you are.  I love your smile.  I love the way you giggle and play with Ainslee (even if you are supposed to be in bed).  I love the way that you laugh before someone tickles you.  I love your quiet sweet personality.  But most of all I love you, just the way you are, each and every day of your life.  Always have, always will.

Squid,

What a joy it is to be your mother.  I love it when you make me laugh, and then you laugh too and your whole face lights up.   I love the joy that you have in playing with friends, and your sisters.  I love how hard you work at doing your homework all by yourself.  You are a beautiful girl with the most wonderful blue eyes I have ever seen.  Thank you for being my daughter, for making me laugh, for keeping me on my toes, for always saying what’s in your heart.  I love you with all my heart.

Ainy Wainy,

Thank you for being my sweet baby girl.  You have made me smile everyday since the day you were born.  You have a gift of making everyone enjoy life.  You are smart and sweet and love your sisters with all your heart.  Thank you for staying home with me everyday and letting me take naps, and eating lunch with me.  I love you very very much.  More than I could ever tell you.

I love being their mom.  More now than ever.  A while ago I heard somewhere that we should pray for help in loving our kids.  Although I have always loved my kids, praying to love them has helped me love them more.  It has helped me see them with more love and be able to understand what it is that they need.  So daily I pray for help to love my kids.  And that love is becoming stronger and more real.  So Happy Mother's day to all you mothers out there.  Celebrate the day with joy.  Find a way.  Don't spend the day beating yourself up.  You are doing the best you can.  You have done the best you could.  And you are loved and appreciated.

The journey!

Haven't posted for awhile.  Just couldn't put together my thought to know what to say.  Today marks three weeks at the gym for Patrick and I.  WooHoo.  Never thought I would make it that far.  Haven't weighed yet.  We are waiting to the one month mark to get a new battery for the scale.  Just don't want to be disappointed and give up.  It really has been fun.  A totally new world for me.  Going to bed before midnight.  Getting up before the sun.  Starting to see things differently.  Totally appreciate people who smile.  When you go to a gym, smile at people.  None of you are thrilled to be there but a simple smile makes it better for everyone.  Love the people who smile at me.  Love the guy who started coming this week who inspires me.  He has a brace on one leg and walks with two canes.  He is young, I am guessing he got in a wreck of some kind.  Anyway his legs are extremely skinny, no muscle at all.  He comes and takes his brace off and works so hard.  When he does the waits on his legs he has them on the lightest weight and he still has to help pull them with his hands.  Then he gets on the treadmill and he walks,  he has to hold himself up with the rails, but he walks.  It is inspiring.  Some people have to push so hard.  Some do it well, others like me, often give up.  Monday was bad for me.  I wanted to give up.  I told Patrick the only thing I was getting out of it was being really tired and hurting.  Then this guy came in.  I can't complain anymore.  I so appreciate the fact that Patrick is there doing this with me.  He keeps me going.  He always has.  He probably always will.  

Struggling to keep everything going sometimes.  Trying to find balance between trying to have a "perfect day" and a "get nothing done sit on the couch and pout cause I can't do it all" day.  I tend to do everything in extremes.  I need to find a happy medium.  Not sure what that is for me.  

Still I find myself incredibly blessed.  I have a wonderful husband, great kids, Patrick has a great job that he loves, we are surrounded by great family.  There are lots right in my little neighborhood,  who don't have these things, who are struggling everyday.  My hearts aches for them.  I want to fix things for them.  I can't and that's hard.  These are people who I care about.  I do all I can, wish I could do more, and just count my blessings and thank my Heavenly Father for them.  

Try a little harder to be little better. Gordon B Hinckley