Incredible blessings and underlying fears!

So I mentioned that Patrick and I joined a gym last week. So far we have gone every morning at 6 am but Sunday! I have to say it has been great. It feels great. I feel much better, and last night we went to bed at 9:30. Never done that early, not since we got married. We were both tired and just went to sleep. Life has honestly been almost perfect this last week. The kids are better in the morning cause I am up and going and am much happier than when I just roll out of bed to do their hair. The house is cleaner. The laundry is done. I have gotten lots of little projects done like cleaning the garage and my closet. I am happier about who I am. Life is busy but really its great.

So what's the problem? I have been here before. I have had moments of greatness before. Never joined a gym before, but moments of treadmill and dieting and clean house. The problem is they always end. I always end up getting tired and feel like I am doing everything alone and I quit exercising and give up. No my house doesn't get gross (most of the time) but I just slow down and crash. How do I make this time different? In some ways it already is different. I have a hubby who is right there at the gym with me every morning. Because we are going early in the morning, me being gone seems to benefit my kids, not put stress on them. So it's not like I am choosing me over them. Also, I have this lady I work with in young womens who I really admire and she is there every morning to. She is someone who I really look up to and every time she sees me there she gets this big smile, the kind of smile a proud parent gets, and I know she is proud of me for taking this step in my life. All of these things are different this time. But I am still gripped by a fear that I will give up again, and sink back into that place where I hate myself. I say a prayer everyday thanking my heavenly father for this opportunity, and for help to keep it going. Hopefully it will last, 'cause I really have never been happier.

Mother's Day

No it's not next week.  But with May being just around the corner I begin to worry.  I hate mothers day.  I go from this range of emotions of they don't even appreciate me to they shouldn't even celebrate this day because I am a horrible mother.  And it's on a Sunday so its just another day to do hair, find tights, and shoes for church. It's not a fun day for me or for anyone else around me.  So last year I was complaining to a friend about it and she told me to knock it off.  She said that her mother would pout every mothers day and ruined it for everyone.

So this year I am trying to "knock it off"  and have a better day.  I looked up some things on lds.org and found that one mother decided to write her kids a note about what she loved about them and included a ticket for a outing with mom.  I like this idea.  It turns mother's day more into me celebrating what being a mom means to me.  I started the letters this morning, Kind of an interesting process.  It really makes me look at my kids differently when I am looking for and thinking of the things I love about them most.  

If anyone has any other suggestions let me know.  I would love to hear them.

Climb!

What a wonderful day.  I know that sounds lame but today was really great.  It was the first weekend day in over two months that we didn't have anything major planned.  So we cleaned the garage, put up the trampoline, I ran to a gardening class for a minute, we took down the rest of the christmas lights, and then we went to the Hannah Montana movie with the girls.  Kasadee couldn't go because she came down with strep this afternoon, but it was really a good show.  It had a good message some really neat songs and just a fun thing to do with my girls.  Oh and I also took a little nap while Patrick made dinner.  It really was a perfect day.

There was a song in the movie called climb.  For some reason it the words to this song touched me so deeply.  I was bawling in the movie theatre.  The words talk about climbing the hills in our lives and how we doubt ourselves but we just have to have the faith to climb them.  That we have to be strong and its not about how we climb them or how fast or even what the hills are, we just have to be strong enough and believe in ourselves enough to climb.  This song is a lot about my life right now.  Patrick and I joined a gym on Thursday.  I had a total and complete meltdown this week about some incidences that happened with my weight over the last few weeks, and I am feeling like I might have found some answers to be able to climb this hill (or these rolls).  Anyway, the song just hit me that I can climb this hill, I just have to be strong.  I always give up on myself.  I always beat myself  up, but this time I feel like with the support of a wonderful husband, and my heavenly father, and a lot of faith, I will be strong enough to climb.  Sorry for the ramble it may not make any sense but I just had to write it down to look back on on the days I want to give up.

Vegas!

So if you have read my last few posts, ok I know there are only a few, you would see that I was getting a little frazzled with life.  So my wonderful hubby decided to surprise me with a trip to Vegas over spring break.  We just got back last night and it was wonnnnderfull!  We talked, relaxed, laughed, watched people, went to shows, walked, sat by the pool, and just enjoyed a much needed break together.  Happiness really is being married to your best friend.  Thanks, Patrick I didn't realize how bad I needed to get away until we were gone.  

My wonderful mother watched the girls while we were gone and took them skiing every day.  She really is an amazing women.  

Kasadee is on a science trip to Florida this week.  She called last night and said she found out she is allergic to squid.  They were dissecting them and her arms and hands swelled up.  But she is having a wonderful time and it is a great experience for her.  The other night she said she was starting to get a little homesick.  I told her to fight with one of her roommates and go clean a toilet and she would feel right at home.  She doesn't think I am funny.  Good thing I do.

I am still trying to figure out what to get Ainslee for her birthday.  I can't believe my baby will be 4 on Saturday.  She is a wonderful child.  She puts a smile on everyones face.  The other day Patrick and I took her to breakfast and when they brought out her pancake she says "now thats what I'm talkin about".  Yes I am perfectly aware that she watches too much TV.  But she is my 5th child not my 1st.