Incredible blessings and underlying fears!

So I mentioned that Patrick and I joined a gym last week. So far we have gone every morning at 6 am but Sunday! I have to say it has been great. It feels great. I feel much better, and last night we went to bed at 9:30. Never done that early, not since we got married. We were both tired and just went to sleep. Life has honestly been almost perfect this last week. The kids are better in the morning cause I am up and going and am much happier than when I just roll out of bed to do their hair. The house is cleaner. The laundry is done. I have gotten lots of little projects done like cleaning the garage and my closet. I am happier about who I am. Life is busy but really its great.

So what's the problem? I have been here before. I have had moments of greatness before. Never joined a gym before, but moments of treadmill and dieting and clean house. The problem is they always end. I always end up getting tired and feel like I am doing everything alone and I quit exercising and give up. No my house doesn't get gross (most of the time) but I just slow down and crash. How do I make this time different? In some ways it already is different. I have a hubby who is right there at the gym with me every morning. Because we are going early in the morning, me being gone seems to benefit my kids, not put stress on them. So it's not like I am choosing me over them. Also, I have this lady I work with in young womens who I really admire and she is there every morning to. She is someone who I really look up to and every time she sees me there she gets this big smile, the kind of smile a proud parent gets, and I know she is proud of me for taking this step in my life. All of these things are different this time. But I am still gripped by a fear that I will give up again, and sink back into that place where I hate myself. I say a prayer everyday thanking my heavenly father for this opportunity, and for help to keep it going. Hopefully it will last, 'cause I really have never been happier.

Mother's Day

No it's not next week.  But with May being just around the corner I begin to worry.  I hate mothers day.  I go from this range of emotions of they don't even appreciate me to they shouldn't even celebrate this day because I am a horrible mother.  And it's on a Sunday so its just another day to do hair, find tights, and shoes for church. It's not a fun day for me or for anyone else around me.  So last year I was complaining to a friend about it and she told me to knock it off.  She said that her mother would pout every mothers day and ruined it for everyone.

So this year I am trying to "knock it off"  and have a better day.  I looked up some things on lds.org and found that one mother decided to write her kids a note about what she loved about them and included a ticket for a outing with mom.  I like this idea.  It turns mother's day more into me celebrating what being a mom means to me.  I started the letters this morning, Kind of an interesting process.  It really makes me look at my kids differently when I am looking for and thinking of the things I love about them most.  

If anyone has any other suggestions let me know.  I would love to hear them.

Climb!

What a wonderful day.  I know that sounds lame but today was really great.  It was the first weekend day in over two months that we didn't have anything major planned.  So we cleaned the garage, put up the trampoline, I ran to a gardening class for a minute, we took down the rest of the christmas lights, and then we went to the Hannah Montana movie with the girls.  Kasadee couldn't go because she came down with strep this afternoon, but it was really a good show.  It had a good message some really neat songs and just a fun thing to do with my girls.  Oh and I also took a little nap while Patrick made dinner.  It really was a perfect day.

There was a song in the movie called climb.  For some reason it the words to this song touched me so deeply.  I was bawling in the movie theatre.  The words talk about climbing the hills in our lives and how we doubt ourselves but we just have to have the faith to climb them.  That we have to be strong and its not about how we climb them or how fast or even what the hills are, we just have to be strong enough and believe in ourselves enough to climb.  This song is a lot about my life right now.  Patrick and I joined a gym on Thursday.  I had a total and complete meltdown this week about some incidences that happened with my weight over the last few weeks, and I am feeling like I might have found some answers to be able to climb this hill (or these rolls).  Anyway, the song just hit me that I can climb this hill, I just have to be strong.  I always give up on myself.  I always beat myself  up, but this time I feel like with the support of a wonderful husband, and my heavenly father, and a lot of faith, I will be strong enough to climb.  Sorry for the ramble it may not make any sense but I just had to write it down to look back on on the days I want to give up.

Vegas!

So if you have read my last few posts, ok I know there are only a few, you would see that I was getting a little frazzled with life.  So my wonderful hubby decided to surprise me with a trip to Vegas over spring break.  We just got back last night and it was wonnnnderfull!  We talked, relaxed, laughed, watched people, went to shows, walked, sat by the pool, and just enjoyed a much needed break together.  Happiness really is being married to your best friend.  Thanks, Patrick I didn't realize how bad I needed to get away until we were gone.  

My wonderful mother watched the girls while we were gone and took them skiing every day.  She really is an amazing women.  

Kasadee is on a science trip to Florida this week.  She called last night and said she found out she is allergic to squid.  They were dissecting them and her arms and hands swelled up.  But she is having a wonderful time and it is a great experience for her.  The other night she said she was starting to get a little homesick.  I told her to fight with one of her roommates and go clean a toilet and she would feel right at home.  She doesn't think I am funny.  Good thing I do.

I am still trying to figure out what to get Ainslee for her birthday.  I can't believe my baby will be 4 on Saturday.  She is a wonderful child.  She puts a smile on everyones face.  The other day Patrick and I took her to breakfast and when they brought out her pancake she says "now thats what I'm talkin about".  Yes I am perfectly aware that she watches too much TV.  But she is my 5th child not my 1st.

life in the fast lane

So I haven't posted since our weekend trip.  I really want to keep my blog positive.  Mostly for myself.  It's like therapy I guess trying to write down only the good things in my life.  So lets just say the weekend getaway was really good because I have never been so happy to get home to see my husband and kids.

So the kids had Monday off so we stayed at gramee's until monday night.  Then Tuesday I literally just laid around the house all day recuperating from a emotionally and physically draining weekend.  I should have got more done on Tuesday because I haven't been home since.  Oh and Tuesday was also the day that they had to evacuate Patrick's work because of a gas leak.  He didn't get home until after 8.  Wednesday we had dentist, dance, babysitting, more dance, then YW.  Thursday I went to deer valley to help my mom with some stuff, came home went to K's science fair stuff in provo, took T to dance, went back to provo for more K science fair, then got home way too late.  Friday I worked, got home and took the kids to Deer Valley to ski with gramee Saturday, then came home and went to sis's house to watch her little boy while she took her hubby to the ER. (back pain, he's having surgery next week).  

So it is helpful for me to write that all down and realize why the wash looks like mount washmore, the kitchen floor looks like a chuck a rama buffet, and something in the fridge doesn't smell very good.  Time to clean, get my lesson ready for tomorrow, wash lots of clothes, try to decide what we are doing for spring break, and all while hubby is gone to Logan again to help my dad.  They have to be out of the Logan Coach building by Monday.  I will be glad when that is over.  Not as glad as my dad though, I think he has been working 20 hour days for more than a month now, I am getting worried about him.  

I keep thinking someday things are going to slow down.  But they aren't and I just need to get used to them.  I really do have a great life.  I just get bogged down by the details a lot.  I am really looking forward to next weekend.  Watching conference and chilling with the kids.  

I am off to the land of gross, to make it shine. (well at least livable)

I'm going to Boise, Idaho!!

Oh the excitement.  Actually my mom and two of my sisters, one of my aunts, and my grandma are all loading up in our suburban and heading out tonight.  We are going to the Utah State NCAA game Friday morning.  Go AGGIES!!  Anyway it should be pretty fun.  We are staying at my cousins house and just crashing on her floor.    We decided that since the guys are working hard taking down the Logan Coach plant, we should take a girls weekend.  After this week of having Patrick gone,  Toree having a sinus infection, Dance pictures for 4 girls, and Young Womens combined being at my house, I am really looking forward to the break.  The girls were all in tears about me leaving this morning, but I have come to the point in my life where I realize that it is important for me to get away every once in a while.  It makes me a better mom.

My grandma is quite the lady.  She is 92 years old and still a huge Aggie fan.  She sits on the front row at every basketball game and has for as long as I can remember.  Her attitude about life is amazing.  Just a year ago this week she had two heart attacks.  The first happened while she was at the temple.  They didn't think she would make it through the week.  Then they said that there was enough damage to her heart that she wouldn't last a year.  Well she not only lasted she has thrived.  She still goes to the temple every week and stays as long as my mom will stay with her.  A couple of weeks ago she got a wild idea to see how many sessions she and my mom could do in one day.  She made it to 8 sessions.  I was talking to one of her neighbors about it the other day and she said that when grandma does finally go the hillsides will be covered with the people that she has gone to the temple for,  welcoming her home and thanking her.  I just loved the image and idea of that.  She says she is going to live to 114.  And she is just stubborn enough to do it.   Grandma you go girl!!!

Happiness is...

Happiness is....

Teaching your 3 year old how to wink, and watching her practice on her older sisters.  "What's wrong with your eye?"

Watching your daughters (Ainslee, Bailee, and Kasadee)  make up a synchronized dance while sitting at the counter.  Bounce, bounce, lean, bounce, bounce, lean.  too cute.

Being married to your best friend, and realizing how much you miss him making you laugh when he's been gone for four days.

Kids who help me clean the house, sometimes even without complaining.

Sisters who will drop everything, when I need them.  Even when they have kids and family of their own to take care of.

Being debt free, other than the house, and learning (slowly) to save.

Having five daughters, who love, laugh, giggle, fight and squeal.  Even though its not all fun, its my life and its wonderful and beautiful.

Having a testimony, realizing that its grows everyday, and finding ways to make it even stronger.

Family prayer.

Chocolate muffins,  my kids eat them faster than I do, so I only get one, and don't have to eat them all.

Finally, to quote Dave Ramsey "happiness is where you are right now.  Claim it for yourself."